So we're back from visiting the future in-laws. I really love them, but good to be home. I decided I needed to be consistent in this blog, because more than anything else I need to try to figure out where my head is.
I think I love him. Not sure about the "in love", but today it doesn't feel that bad. He can tell I'm bothered by something, so he's trying really hard to be sweet. It's hard not to love someone in that situation.
But, it will end. And I don't think the bigger picture will change. Maybe I haven't shared enough of what I want and need...I don't know.
More will be revealed...
Monday, April 21, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Browsing blogville
I got into blogging because my sister got into blogging. So periodically after catching up on life in Surbubia, I click on the "next blog" link and read about the lives of strangers.
The "next blog" is, as far as I can figure out, completely random. So you might get a mom with two kids, like my sister, or you could get a Croation college student. And most are in different languages. At least today. There was a blog by a lovely lady in Pittsburgh who takes amazing pictures. I would post something, but I don't want to be thought creepy.
So, I'm browsing through blogville...and i stumble upon someone from my same town. And I live in a relatively small city. It was an unexpected, and welcome surprise.
I don't feel quite as alone suddenly.
The "next blog" is, as far as I can figure out, completely random. So you might get a mom with two kids, like my sister, or you could get a Croation college student. And most are in different languages. At least today. There was a blog by a lovely lady in Pittsburgh who takes amazing pictures. I would post something, but I don't want to be thought creepy.
So, I'm browsing through blogville...and i stumble upon someone from my same town. And I live in a relatively small city. It was an unexpected, and welcome surprise.
I don't feel quite as alone suddenly.
Me again...and again...and again
Nothing new to report this morning. It's another morning after the night before. We're driving to Texas this afternoon. I'm not looking forward to hours in the car.
Keep it light, keep it light, keep it light.
I want to do the same thing I always do, which is just have a big cry and tell him everything that's wrong with me and us and him, and everything that I'm afraid of...and hear him tell me how much he doesn't want to lose me, and how it's going to be better, and believe him.
That's my problem. I always believe him.
The truth is, it's never going to be different. It's always going to be the same cycle. We're always going to be the same people.
I was thinking of a story last night. A few years ago, I had to have a mammogram because I found a lump in one of my breasts. I'm young, but I have a family history of breast cancer, so my doctor took it really seriously. So the night before I have to go in for all this testing, he says "If it's bad news, don't call me. I won't be able to handle it, and I really need to focus at work". I know that in his mind, he was being nice...telling me how much it would hurt him for me to be sick. What I heard was "if you get the worst news of your life, you're on your own because I don't want to be distracted." Even when it's about me, it's about him. If I could boil down everything that's wrong with us, that's it.
Keep it light, keep it light, keep it light.
I want to do the same thing I always do, which is just have a big cry and tell him everything that's wrong with me and us and him, and everything that I'm afraid of...and hear him tell me how much he doesn't want to lose me, and how it's going to be better, and believe him.
That's my problem. I always believe him.
The truth is, it's never going to be different. It's always going to be the same cycle. We're always going to be the same people.
I was thinking of a story last night. A few years ago, I had to have a mammogram because I found a lump in one of my breasts. I'm young, but I have a family history of breast cancer, so my doctor took it really seriously. So the night before I have to go in for all this testing, he says "If it's bad news, don't call me. I won't be able to handle it, and I really need to focus at work". I know that in his mind, he was being nice...telling me how much it would hurt him for me to be sick. What I heard was "if you get the worst news of your life, you're on your own because I don't want to be distracted." Even when it's about me, it's about him. If I could boil down everything that's wrong with us, that's it.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Where it all begins
I opened the jar of spaghetti sauce myself tonight. It was an act of rebellion.
Usually I ask him to do it, and most of the time, I mean it. But some times, it's so he can feel like a man. Like I really do need him around. But tonight, and lately...I don't know
Here's the dilemma. We're getting married in a few months. And the closer it gets, the crazier I am. Cold feet? I don' t know. I really have no idea.
He adores me. He really, really loves me. And this is the best he can do. I know it is. I can't fault him for giving me the best he can. But what if I need more? What do I do?
If I end this, it will probably kill him. He'll probably start drinking again. I may start again too. I don't know.
But how can I keep going? It's not him, it's me. That is so cliche, I know. But it's true. I don't know what I need from him. I don't know what I want him to do different. I just know I can't keep coming back to this emotional place. Today, he can tell I'm bothered by something. He makes a huge effort to say "maybe we could read the same book, and talk about it. Maybe we can learn how to golf together." For a long time, I really thought what we needed was more quality time together. I don't think that's it anymore. Here's an analogy...you have a plant. The plant really needs water. So you fill up your watering can and place it right beside the plant. The plant and the water have lots of quality time together, but the plant still dies.
I'm dying. My soul is withering away.
And next week, it will have blown over again, and I'll put my nose to the relationship grindstone, and make it work, and it will all be back to normal. Until next time it's not.
Usually I ask him to do it, and most of the time, I mean it. But some times, it's so he can feel like a man. Like I really do need him around. But tonight, and lately...I don't know
Here's the dilemma. We're getting married in a few months. And the closer it gets, the crazier I am. Cold feet? I don' t know. I really have no idea.
He adores me. He really, really loves me. And this is the best he can do. I know it is. I can't fault him for giving me the best he can. But what if I need more? What do I do?
If I end this, it will probably kill him. He'll probably start drinking again. I may start again too. I don't know.
But how can I keep going? It's not him, it's me. That is so cliche, I know. But it's true. I don't know what I need from him. I don't know what I want him to do different. I just know I can't keep coming back to this emotional place. Today, he can tell I'm bothered by something. He makes a huge effort to say "maybe we could read the same book, and talk about it. Maybe we can learn how to golf together." For a long time, I really thought what we needed was more quality time together. I don't think that's it anymore. Here's an analogy...you have a plant. The plant really needs water. So you fill up your watering can and place it right beside the plant. The plant and the water have lots of quality time together, but the plant still dies.
I'm dying. My soul is withering away.
And next week, it will have blown over again, and I'll put my nose to the relationship grindstone, and make it work, and it will all be back to normal. Until next time it's not.
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