Where it all begins

I opened the jar of spaghetti sauce myself tonight. It was an act of rebellion.

Usually I ask him to do it, and most of the time, I mean it. But some times, it's so he can feel like a man. Like I really do need him around. But tonight, and lately...I don't know

Here's the dilemma. We're getting married in a few months. And the closer it gets, the crazier I am. Cold feet? I don' t know. I really have no idea.

He adores me. He really, really loves me. And this is the best he can do. I know it is. I can't fault him for giving me the best he can. But what if I need more? What do I do?

If I end this, it will probably kill him. He'll probably start drinking again. I may start again too. I don't know.

But how can I keep going? It's not him, it's me. That is so cliche, I know. But it's true. I don't know what I need from him. I don't know what I want him to do different. I just know I can't keep coming back to this emotional place. Today, he can tell I'm bothered by something. He makes a huge effort to say "maybe we could read the same book, and talk about it. Maybe we can learn how to golf together." For a long time, I really thought what we needed was more quality time together. I don't think that's it anymore. Here's an analogy...you have a plant. The plant really needs water. So you fill up your watering can and place it right beside the plant. The plant and the water have lots of quality time together, but the plant still dies.

I'm dying. My soul is withering away.

And next week, it will have blown over again, and I'll put my nose to the relationship grindstone, and make it work, and it will all be back to normal. Until next time it's not.